Sherry L Huckabee: The Kindness of Strangers

January 8, 2007

The six’o’clock news reminds us every day – people are bad. Murderers, rapists, pedophiles abound. Lock your cars, your homes, your hearts. Don’t let your children go outside to play. They tell us every day – be careful who you trust; better yet, don’t trust anyone. Don’t talk to strangers. Be careful how you choose your friends; especially through the internet – chances are that person is not who they say they are. You can never be too careful. Close your blinds, your mind, forget faith. Hell, not even the church can be trusted anymore. It’s a dog eat dog world. The ‘kindness of strangers’ is just a myth. People will use you if they can, abuse you if you let them. Be wary, be oh so wary.

I quit watching news about seven years ago. For some reason, I just didn’t believe what they were telling me. And I sure as hell didn’t want to keep listening until I did believe. I had this strange, odd feeling that for the most part, people in this world are actually good at heart. Sure, you may have to dig a little deeper to find the heart of gold in some than in others, but I really believed if the Grinch and Scrooge had a heart, most people in the world probably did too.

I’ve spent the last two years convinced more and more by everyday experiences that what I suspected was true. Of course my long-term friends have always been there for me – a place to sleep, a consoling conversation in the middle of the night, a Starbucks treat or dinner out or ride to the airport – they’ve helped me as I’ve walked this new path in life in ways too many to number; loved me, stood by me, believed in me. I am blessed to have the friends I do and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t thank the heavens above for every one of them. But then aren’t these the very acts, the qualities by which we define “a friend”? Those who are there to help, support, love, guide, listen and share, who trust us and give us reason to trust them. Friends all do this for us don’t they? In greater or lesser degrees anyway. That’s what friendship is about – right. But strangers, that’s different. Or is it?

I would argue, with a lot of experiential support, that the inclination to be kind, to share, and to trust are qualities at the core of every human being, not just qualities that appear once a friendship is formed. When you begin to travel you can’t help but begin to realize that every ‘us vs. them’ distinction is in a sense fabricated (actually I would argue every oppositional tension is fabricated, but that is a different discussion). To coin a term from law school, it is all a matter of how you ‘frame the issue’. Sure we may dress different, believe in different gods, live in different houses but at the bottom of it all, we are all, every single one of us, doing our best to survive within the context of our particular society, foster our relationships, raise and protect our children, care for, love, and forgive our parents, maintain our health, and touch a little joy in life. All of us. Period. You can dress us all up differently, send us all to different houses of worship, but in the end you cannot get away from the fact that we are all human; that we all share a common bond. And that common bond creates somewhere inside an empathy for another human. An empathy that some have buried perhaps, oftentimes beneath religious dogma, but an empathy none the less that exists and that will more often than not be expressed if given the opportunity for expression.

This is what I believed when I quit listening to all the screeching people who claimed it wasn’t true. This is what I have lived for the last year and a half. I look back over this time and the kindness that people have shown me every step of the way and I KNOW the news is wrong. I know because I have lived the kindness of strangers, every day of my life for eighteen months.

I remember my first panic stricken lost days in Italy when Antonella appeared, my Italian guardian angel, to sooth my spirit and help me find my way. Then Giorgio who took me into his home when I had no place to stay with his infinite patience for my baby efforts at Italian. Alessandro who gave me a job when I needed one and shared some of the happiest, freest days of my life for me. Then there are the Celani’s who gave me their home and their love when I returned to Ascoli.

These people began as strangers, giving me their support and help before the bonds of friendship were tied. It is amazing to think how many people opened their homes to me – Max, Rino, Mirjam, Michi (who I never would have found if not for Eva’s kindness on the train), Urbian, James, Asia & her mom, Ted, Maya & Iddo, Haavard (and Christian), Mhenna, Jero, Karin, Dieter, Lars, and many others. These people didn’t know me from Eve yet they opened their homes, their refrigerators, and their hearts, with several becoming friends in the process. Then there are the strangers that life was kind enough to put me next to in one random way or another – the lovely Serena and the vivacious Tiina, Eva, Marcy, Steff, Carrie, Kristaps, and Konstantinos, Antonio & Melvina, and so many others who have shared their kindness in time, gifts, help, friendship.

That’s a year and a half of nothing but kindness. In a year and a half, I never had anything stolen, was never threatened, never had so much as a cross word spoken to me. Where do these newscasters get their stories from? Because unless I’m living under a particularly bright shining star, life just ain’t what they say it is. That’s not to say bad things don’t happen, surely they do. But I’ll tell you from experience, they seem to happen a hell of a lot less when you quit believing that bad things are more likely to happen than good. I believe the universe is supportive, loving, caring, even in the lessons it gives, and you know, somehow that is the world I find I live in. Is it just because that is what I believe? Ask a quantum physicist – he’ll tell you yes. Regardless the reason why, I have lived every day of my life traveling in a world filled with kindness.

So now I come to New York, the Big Apple, one of the toughest cities in the world, they say. Fast paced, hustle bustle, land of the haves and the never-will-haves. Even Frankie baby said if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. My year and a half of kindness from strangers all took place in Europe. But then Europeans are different, right? More open. Less fearful. There is certainly less crime, a stronger sense of family, more political involvement, and environmental awareness. Surely my European experiences of kindness and hospitality can be explained as, well, European. New York is Cold. Hard. Closed. Right?

Wrong.

The first person I went out with in New York was a CSer who had offered me a futon in his efficiency apartment if I got stranded without a place to stay. An avowed vegan who works in the non-profit sector and one of the most environmentally committed people I have ever met, we got together for tea just to chat. The conversation was engaging and after three hours we were hungry. Until I have a paycheck, I don’t do restaurants. He insisted on treating me to dinner, assuring me that he could never begin to do for others all that had been done for him as a traveler. He told me to just pay it forward someday when I could.

Ruth, the daughter of a friend of a friend, has sent my resume out to dozens of lawyers and left me her apartment while she was out of town for the holidays, not to mention given her time, company, and friendship. She went through her holiday giftcards insisting on giving me the ones she wouldn’t use. I refused the movie card – insisting that she would of course go to the movies one day. A week later when we met one night we just happened to walk by the movie theatre, and she just happened to have the card, at the time when movies just happened to be starting. She said I would be doing her a favor if I went with her. As if I didn’t know, she wanted to treat without making me feel bad – what a beautiful spirit…

Adam, a friend of Ruth’s, forwarded my resume to another dozen lawyers, one of whom is working a job lead for me ,and has checked in regularly through email to see how the job search is going and how New York is treating me. I haven’t even met him.

Rachel, the very week she was headed to New Zealand to volunteer for CS for six months, met me for coffee, waited for me over an hour because I got lost on the subway again, and took time to email her friends to help me find a place. Another Rachel, who also works for the non-profit sector, was my host the first days I was here and took her time to welcome me and help me get acquainted and situated my first week here.

Jon, another friend of a friend, met me for coffee and has given me both legal contacts and writing contacts and is organizing a couple social get togethers so I can meet other people.

And then there is Shellen. There just aren’t enough words for all that Shellen has done from letting me stay in her home, to taking me along for theatre performances, to giving me clothes, she even loaned me her never-worn-new-boots from London to wear with my interview suit! She helped me get my stuff in storage, has put no small effort into helping me find a place to live, and, has in every way been a dear friend from the moment I walked through her door.

Slawek too has been amazing. Though we give each other a hard time, I don’t think I would be here if not for Slawek. His offer to let me stay in his place until I find a job is the only reason I was able to stretch the money and stay with the job search taking longer than expected. He too has given me his time, opened his home, and fed me with both food and friendship.

Jerry was wearing a Santa suit the day I met him – “you are getting everything you want for Christmas” he winked as I walked by. I laughed and quipped back, “I want a job.” Our conversation and friendship began that moment and continued through email over the next few weeks with a level of honest exchange about life and feelings generally reserved to long-term friends. Friday he met me, the book ‘Gotham’ in hand – a contribution to my efforts to learn this city – and took me to McSorley's, one of New York’s oldest Ale houses and to the Morgan Library knowing my love for books. I can tell we have many great conversations and McSorley's ales ahead of us.

Then there are the strangers in the streets, and the people who work in this town. Ebony at the storage place who worked her manager magic and found a unit she could give me a fifty percent discount on then rushed the paperwork to help me get out and get the rental car back in time. Miguel at Kinkos, who for no reason in the world other than to just be nice, discounted my resume copies and my CDs after we chatted because he knew firsthand how tough it was starting up in a new city without a job. The guys at the Caribbean bakery who were so kind to me my first week here living in “the hood.” Sure, some people are sour, but I’d say 75% of the people respond to a smile with a smile and to kindness with kindness – even in what is known to be one of the coldest, toughest cities in the world.

If it is like that here, could it be like that everywhere?

Maybe the kindness of strangers isn’t a myth – maybe it is all around us, even inside of us, if we just open and believe that the world is full of trusting and trustworthy people, people just like you and me….

Food for thought - Have you ever stopped to think who benefits from an isolated society? A society made up of individuals without a sense of community? The answer is easy, the people in power. When people ‘commune’ they combine, they create strength in numbers. No society was every changed for the better without an uprising of people filled with a common purpose. Whether you are talking a revolution, a rights movement, or passing an environmental protection law, it takes the courage of a few backed by the belief of many to create positive change. It is a brilliant political maneuver to keep people believing they cannot trust the person next to them. Where there is no common bond, there can be no common effort, no threat, no change. Think about that the next time you turn off the news convinced the world is a bad place filled with people who can’t be trusted. Who wants you to think that? And why?